The True Story of the Battle of Hogwarts
by jade253
Summary: So you think you know the real story of the Battle of Hogwarts? Think again, and prepare to be disturbed. Extreme OOC - please note this is not intended to be serious in any way.


_Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine (damn), I can only take the credit (or blame) for the product of my own mind, which can easily be distinguished from canon in that it is by far more perverted and bizzare than anything J.K Rowling wrote._

Summary: So you think you know the real story of the Battle of Hogwarts? Think again, and prepare to be disturbed.

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During the final battle:

"Are you ready to die yet Potter?" Voldemort hissed venomously, looking contemptuous but also slightly wary at Harry's miraculous return from death.

Harry smirked, casually twirling his wand while never taking his eyes off his enemy. "You don't want to kill me just yet Riddle, don't you want an answer?"

"To what?" Voldemort snapped out, looking incredulous at the thought that Harry could know something he didn't.

"Why you couldn't kill me 16 years ago, and why you couldn't kill me tonight of course."

Voldemort's red eyes widened almost imperceptibly, but enough that Harry, who had been watching him carefully, could notice, prompting him to smirk once again. "You know why, do you?" Voldemort spat. "Let's hear it then. What exactly does the famous Harry Potter think he's discovered? Are you going to wax lyrical on Dumbledore's precious 'power of love'?" Voldemort snorted. "Please, spare me."

Harry's smirk widened into a full-blown grin. "Not quite Riddle." He suddenly gave a slight sigh of exasperation seeing that Voldemort wasn't going to reply. "Give it up Tom, I know," continued Harry. "I guess I've always known, but I only realised tonight." Voldemort hissed softly in rapidly growing irritation and frustration, glaring at Harry. The crowd of students, Order members and Death Eaters had fell completely silent by this point, caught up in the unfolding drama before them.

"You totally have a thing for me."

Voldemort froze, his wand slipping out of his hand and his mind going utterly blank.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" he screamed, stumbling backwards when he was capable of forming words once again; the spectators still had not regained that ability.

"Oh come on now Tom, it's obvious," Harry rolled his eyes in what could only be called fond amusement. "Why else would you keep coming after me? I mean, there are only so many times you can play the 'I-seek-revenge' card without it becoming ridiculous. Really Tom, when you heard I'd come to Hogwarts, you came all the way from Albania to be closer to me! To the place where the one person you feared was living I might add. And the year after that you dragged Ginny into the Chamber of Secrets to lure me there - of all the people you could've chosen you picked a girl who had a severe crush on me - my future girlfriend no less!" Harry laughed. "I should've realised that you were just jealous!"

From the edge of the crowd Ron whispered to a horrified Hermione: "You know, when you put it together like that it does sound kinda sus'," before falling silent again as the utter horror of the situation hit him once more.

"I always knew there was tension between us, you must have felt it too," Harry earnestly explained, a scary mix of emotions playing on his face. Voldemort began inching backwards, his head shaking 'no' repeatedly and so rapidly it looks like a nervous tick. By now he had completely forgot that he had come to conquer Hogwarts and by extension the entire wizarding world. He was now completly focused on backing far, _far _away from the utterly terrifying figure slowly approaching him. "I just assumed it was because of the whole 'you tried to kill me a couple of times' and 'you killed my parents' thing, I didn't realise until recently that it was... you know... _sexual."_ This was enough to shock the spectators out of silence to make synchronised sounds of disgust, which Harry blithely ignored.

"My biggest clue however," Harry continued, oblivious to the fact that Voldemort was getting more and more freaked out with every word (if that was actually possible), "was in my fourth year, when you went to so much effort just to get close to me and get me to that graveyard so you could tell me your family's history," Harry gave an infatuated sigh at the memory and stared adoringly at the poor Dark Lord who was so far beyond terrified by this point. "I know you didn't really _need_ me for your resurrection. You really didn't have to go to so much trouble you know - if you wanted to touch me all you had to do was ask." Harry gave his best 'sexy' smile and winked suggestively.

Voldemort snapped.

"Oh... my... GOD!" he shrieked, falling over his own feet in his rush to get out of the Great Hall. Harry gave a little scream and began chasing after him, pushing his way through choking students and Death Eaters, now united by their gag reflexes and their impending therapy bills.

"Wait for me Voldie! WAAAAAIIIT!"

Sunrise the next day revealed a grieving Harry, kneeling by the edge of the lake wailing to himself:

"My parents, Cedric, Sirius... Dumbledore, Hedwig... Dobby, Lupin, Tonks... little-sycophantic -Creepy guy whose name I can never really remember... (he continued like this for some time, managing to name every single person he knew who died – it's quite a list)...Fred, Snape and now Voldemort - they're all dead! WHYY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHYYYYYYYYY?" he screamed, raising his arms to the sky in despair.

Apparently Voldemort, after escaping the Great Hall, had run straight to the lake, screeching something about feeling dirty and wanting to go back to Albania, and hadn't slowed down until there were no more bubbles rising to the surface.

Thus did the feared Lord Voldemort die, and for the first time in history, the Order, the students of Hogwarts and the Death Eaters united to write "The Treaty of the Battle of Hogwarts" which everyone signed and swore never to mention that night ever, ever, EVER again.

**A/N: And this is what happens when you read too much Fanfiction before going to be - let this be a lesson to you! Then again, my subconscious is just a very, very scary place. I dreamt this exact scene after reading a LV/HP fanfic then the last few chapters of DH. They then mixed together in my sleep and produced this completely ridiculous scene - I actually woke up laughing. Well, after I got over the 'WTF?' factor. Cheers people!**


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